Feelings Aren’t Failures: How Therapy Helps You Understand Your Emotions

When I started my career as a therapist, one of the first trends I noticed with my clients was how difficult it is for many of them to understand the distinction between a feeling and a thought. Feeling and cognition have become synonymous for many of us, leading to a pattern of conflating emotions and ideas. It is not uncommon for me to ask a client even the most basic question about feelings, only to have the response be about thoughts. 

Therapist: “How do you feel about your boss talking to you that way in front of your colleagues?”

Client: “I feel that I need to talk to HR.”

Therapist: “When you make a mistake, what emotions do you experience?”

Client: “I feel like I failed, and I want to disappear.”

These responses are examples of thoughts that we might have in reaction to a triggering event, but they are not about feelings. They express emotions that are masquerading as thoughts, but they temper those emotions by putting them through a “thinking” filter. This filter is a tool that many of us have learned to use as a defense mechanism against feelings, which we often fear or do not understand. Emotions are often viewed as irrational and lacking validity, so we try to force them into the shape of a “logic response”, like in the examples above. A feeling-centered response to these questions would put emotions at the forefront, not hide them behind language that minimizes them or treats them as though they are not valid and substantive on their own. 

Therapist: “How do you feel about your boss talking to you that way in front of your colleagues?”

Client: “I’m angry, frustrated, maybe even powerless. I tried to deal with it by talking to her, but she just dismissed me. HR may need to step in.” 

Therapist: “When you make a mistake, what emotions do you experience?”

Client: “Embarrassment mainly, with some disappointment. Then I get sad because I’ve done so much work to accept myself, and I’m still being so harsh.”

The urge to equate thoughts with feelings is very common, and most of us do it without even realizing it. I like to characterize the “thinking filter” as an automatic defense mechanism that we don’t even notice until someone else points it out. The “thinking filter” is also reinforced in our daily lives by those around us, who also disguise their feelings as ideas to the point that they are presented as being the same thing. 

My own journey towards separating my thoughts from my emotions began in my 20s with a therapist who called me out for hiding behind my brain. “I asked you about your feelings, and you gave me a sentence that was about what you’re thinking,” she said. “Feelings are words, not sentences. Anger. Pity. Happiness. Boredom. Fear. Shame. Indifference. Excitement. These are feelings. ‘I feel like my friend didn’t listen to me’ is not an emotion.” With this feedback, I began my journey into the Land of Feelings. 

Emotions are complex and complicated. They can also be intimidating. Recognizing that we are having them, let alone naming them, can feel like an overwhelming challenge, but a therapist can help you find a road map to the Land of Feelings. With some guidance and mentorship, it is possible to learn new tools that are less automatic and more intentional. Armed with an Emotions Wheel, a few concise worksheets, and a really good journal, we can all learn to be less intimidated by our feelings and more accepting of them as something that is healthy, normal, and very human. I am hopeful and optimistic for all of us. And how did I feel that my friend did not listen to me? Invalidated, with a touch of hurt. But we worked it out.

Written by Deanna Diamond, LPC

Schedule an appointment with her here!!