Staying Connected After Loss: A New Way to Understand Grief

There’s something about losing someone where the memory of them feels incredibly visceral. As you reach for the same cereal that your father used to buy every week, as you suddenly find yourself folding laundry and remember how your wife used to complain about matching pairs of socks, as you hear a song in the car and are immediately transported to a kitchen, a holiday, a conversation, or even the person you were before the loss. They’re suddenly there for just a second. And then the painful reality sets in that they are gone.

People often refer to these moments as "emotional whiplash" in the face of losing someone. They switch back and forth between feeling a connection to the person they lost and then being jolted into the painful reality of the loss. Because loss is so devastating and difficult to accept, many people assume that the point of grieving is to learn how to let go of these moments. Well-meaning friends and family members will tell grieving individuals, "You should move on," or "Let it go." But, in reality, that’s not always how grief functions.

The most significant misconception of grief is that in order to heal, a person needs to cut off all emotional connections they had with the loved one they lost. However, there are many grieving individuals who will find themselves in love, missing, talking to, or thinking about the people they've lost for the rest of their lives. But, over time, the nature of these connections will begin to change.

Initially, the person may find that the loss of their loved one consumes all of their thoughts and emotions. The grief may take over their ability to think clearly, concentrate, and even perform simple everyday tasks. Some people find themselves feeling emotionally disoriented, as if their entire world had been upended, and their mind still stuck in the moment. But soon enough, as life continues to move forward, responsibilities continue and demands continue coming through. It can be an incredibly frustrating experience.

Another concern people have as life resumes after the loss is that they may begin forgetting who the person was. "What if I forget them?" is a typical thought many grieving people experience. This is where the experience of grief can shift from being difficult and painful to becoming shameful and filled with feelings of guilt. They may berate themselves for laughing at jokes, getting over a loss and finding themselves happy again, falling in love again, or going too long without thinking about the loved one who has died.

Sometimes people can experience both. The reality is that it is possible for someone to continue living a normal life while still harboring great love and sorrow within their heart. Instead of asking themselves, "How do I let go of the person I've lost?" many people would benefit from asking the question, "How can I stay connected to this person while moving forward with my life?" Connection often manifests itself through seemingly mundane tasks. For example, someone I know makes a point of watering all the plants her late mother left behind every Sunday morning while drinking coffee out of her mother's favorite mug. She laughs when she describes the experience because her mother was infamous for her inability to tolerate the way her family watered their plants incorrectly. Those rituals are grounding.

Some of these experiences may occur intentionally, such as marking anniversaries or making meals for the loved one on holidays. Others may be more spontaneous, such as repeating your grandfather's sayings to your kids, continuing to listen to your sister's music years later, or wanting to send someone funny texts even though they are no longer there.

It is in those moments that grief finds ways to manifest. I'm always amazed by how many people don’t expect to see grief show up in such ordinary experiences of their daily lives. Suddenly, they find themselves reaching to call their mother after a long and difficult day of work, only to remind themselves that she's not there anymore. They begin criticizing themselves for how they folded the towels or overcooked their pasta, only to laugh because they know their grandmother would be doing the same thing to them in that exact situation. Grief finds ways to come through in everyday experiences.

Talking about the person who died with others can help many grieving individuals feel more connected to the lost loved one. One painful reality about loss and grief is that other people tend to return to their regular schedule while the grieving person continues suffering from the consequences of losing their loved one. Their friends stop bringing food; coworkers stop asking how they are doing. They avoid any mention of the deceased person altogether in fear of making their friend or relative think about the loved one.

But many grieving people think about their loss every day. In fact, what hurts the most is not remembering the deceased, but the fact that everyone else seems to have forgotten. Discussing old memories can be a healing experience as well, since sharing the memories of loved ones can help us preserve our connection to them. At some point, grief may soften into laughter as they recall inside jokes, a horrible vacation, family disasters, and peculiar habits that made that person unique. I know a woman who started crying uncontrollably over a joke that she knew her brother would absolutely love. Ten minutes later, however, she was already laughing just as hard, because she was imagining his reaction in her head. Grief can be unpredictable.

In addition, many people manage to maintain connection to their loved one by carrying their emotional traits over into their own life after the loss. Some individuals realize much later on that part of the lost person's soul has become a part of them. They hear themselves saying, "One step at a time," or, "I love you more than you will ever know," and "Be kind to people because you never know what they're carrying." These are beautiful reminders that relationships last beyond a loved one's death.

Unfortunately, healing from grief doesn't always look like a straight line. Many people feel alarmed by how their grief reappears in full force months or even years after the loved one dies. Sights, smells, sounds, dates, events, and ordinary Tuesdays can suddenly reignite emotions that the grieving individual had thought of as dormant. At that point, it can make many people wonder whether there’s something wrong with them because grief continued. But the truth is, love does not dissipate because of the passage of time. Emotional attachments do not come with expiration dates.

Maintaining a connection to a loved one after the loss doesn’t make one "stuck" in their grief. Instead, it may be a sign of how much the deceased person meant to them. Healing from grief means learning how to carry the love and connection differently as you continue building a life around your new reality.

Each person grieves differently. While some individuals have a need to discuss their losses with others, for others, it may not be as necessary. For some people, collecting the voicemails and clothes of a lost loved one helps them to remain closer to the person. While others feel comfortable leaving fewer physical mementos, keeping their connection to the deceased more internalized.

Whatever it takes, it is crucial to find balance in accepting that:

* The person you lost meant a lot to you, and,

* Life continues to move on despite the loss.

If you have lost a loved one, and you feel stuck in your grief, reach out to Fowler and Tidwell Counseling. We understand that grieving is an extremely personal experience that can often leave individuals feeling drained of energy. Letting go is not the same as forgetting about the loved one. Instead, it is about finding peace with your connection to the lost person.

Written by Rhonda Gates, LPC Associate. Supervised by Jenai Tidwell, LPC Supervisor