Understanding Passive Suicidal Thoughts: Why You Don’t Have to Wait Until It’s Worse

Recently, someone in my life texted me, scared and alarmed because her teenage child made a reference to “the family being better off if they weren’t here.”  She was understandably upset and panicked about what to do.  Hearing someone that you love to express the desire to no longer be alive is terrifying.  Having those thoughts yourself can be completely disorienting and frightening.  These thoughts, however, are surprisingly common.  The desire to no longer exist, the belief that the people in your life would be better off without you, or the misconception that death is a feasible solution to an overwhelming problem, are all forms of passive suicidal ideation.  It is called “passive” because the desire to no longer be alive is rarely accompanied by a plan, and the thoughts do not extend to the steps to follow through.

Passive suicidal thoughts can feel disturbing and shameful for many people, but they are far more common than we assume as a culture.  Most of us will experience some form of passive suicidal ideation as we move through life, often after a traumatic, painful, or stressful event.  These thoughts can take many forms, but they do not represent an intention to self-harm.  They are warning signs that we are in pain, and we want that pain to stop, preferably as quickly as possible.  

I recently attended a training on crisis assessment where the instructor referred to passive suicidal thoughts as “a sign that your brain is doing what it is supposed to do.”  She went on to explain that our minds have mechanisms in place to protect us and keep us safe, while also not overwhelming us with the weight of the mental, emotional, and psychic pain that we all inevitably experience in life.  When our minds do not see a solution to process that pain, our brain may send out a warning sign that we need help, which can sometimes sound like thoughts that we are a burden that our family or a person who does not deserve to be alive anymore.  Framing these thoughts as a warning signal from your brain, not a statement of intent, can help to take them seriously as a sign that we need support, care, and help.  The next step is to find that help, which is exactly what my friend did for her child.  A therapist confirmed that her teen was not at immediate risk of self-harm, and the family was able to start exploring what triggered these thoughts before they became more intense, more frequent, and more urgent.  They are working towards confronting the thoughts and issues that led to them, which is the first step to making them go silent. 

Written by: Deanna Diamond, LPC