Feeling Better vs. Getting Better: Understanding the Difference

Life Kit podcast ran a fascinating episode this week on the key to happiness, featuring an expert who made the distinction between choices that “makes us feel right” and decisions that “makes us feel happy”.  She offered the example of going to visit a sick friend in the hospital.  We know that this act probably will not bring us joy or a sense of peace. We don’t expect the hospital environment to boost our mood, and we don’t equate being there with being happy.  We equate it with doing something that conforms to our values and supports our vision of “being a good friend”.  By doing something hard for another person, we gain meaning and live in compliance with our values, which improves our self-image and sustains our positive feelings about ourselves.  This contributes to feeling better about our lives. 

Many of my clients enter therapy with a nebulous goal to “be happier” or “feel better”.  They want emotional and psychological relief, and the number of them who tell me, “I feel so much better,” after only one session highlights a major challenge to building and sustaining momentum in therapy.  People get a hit of that initial boost that comes with unburdening themselves and finding a safe space to be validated, and they expect an uphill ride of healing and self-actualization.  They don’t expect the plunges that come with doing the work to “feel right”, which is not the same as “feeling better”.  

About 10 years ago, an acquaintance shared a story on Facebook about firing his therapist after six months together.  He had initially entered therapy to deal with a job loss, the death of his pet, and the diagnosis of high blood pressure and Type II diabetes in his early 30s.  After three months, he felt great.  He found work and was rebuilding his savings.  He had processed the decision to put his cat to sleep and realized that it was the best choice.  He shared that he was feeling optimistic and had hope for his future.  He wasn’t taking his blood pressure medication consistently, though.  His therapist suggested a medication management app that he did not use.  He changed his diet by switching to sugar-free soda but did not check his blood sugar consistently.  His therapist referred him to a diabetes education program at a local clinic.  He expressed interest but never went.   He started experiencing intrusive thoughts about losing his job because his brain fog made it hard to keep up with the workload.  His therapist referred him to a stress management group.  He declined to attend.  He just kept going to therapy and enjoying the validation that he got from feeling heard and knowing that someone cared about his wellbeing.  Eventually, his therapist asked a very direct question about whether he “actually wants to get better”.  That marked their last session together.  

About a year later, he was back in therapy after an acute anxiety attack put him in the hospital, finally ready to address the real issues that were impacting him.  When he found out that I had returned to school to become a therapist, he shared the details of his journey with me, making it clear that his expectations of therapy were “very different” the second time he did it.  He realized after two sessions that the familiar sensation of “feeling better” was just a temporary lift that came with being seen and respected by another person.  He also reentered therapy with a better understanding of what he “needed to work on” with his provider, including a pattern of self-neglect and mindless spending that began after a traumatic loss in high school.  The chronic financial stress and the constant worry about his health became a feedback loop that drove his anxiety higher and higher, but he never addressed these patterns because he didn’t feel he “deserved” to focus on his needs. He was also mentally exhausted and didn’t have the bandwidth to make improvement without outside accountability.  He stuck with therapy for over two years the second time, doing the work and riding the process through all kinds of feelings and experiences that led to a deeper understanding of how to “feel right” in his own life.  He even completed a residential program to help stabilize his eating habits and improve his nutrition.  He learned to use biofeedback to lower his anxiety.  His blood pressure also went down.  After that, he completed a summer retreat about redesigning life in middle age.  That led to a career transition in his early 40s, which was one of the hardest things he has ever done, as it required him to completely change his relationship with money to achieve it.  He still sees his therapist every four months for an “accountability check”.

His journey is still in progress, as is the journey of most of my clients.   I see the tension between “being happy” and “feeling right with life” every day.  My clients have to find their own balance between “feeling better” and “getting better”.  The first is often a temporary state that is built on having the need to be seen, validated, respected, and unburdened met.  There is inherent benefit in that.  The second is about recognizing that we don’t always feel good and that life will eventually deliver something that leads to “feeling worse”.  When we “get better”, we become more resilient, and we learn how to “feel right” in our own lives with a few adjustments and a little support from the right people.  

Written by: Deanna Diamond, LPC