Quiet Forms of Self-Neglect: The Subtle Ways You Might Be Ignoring Your Own Needs

I recently watched a YouTube video from one of my favorite financial content creators, and she spoke aloud a thought that has been percolating in my brain a lot over the past six months without being able to articulate it: “Self-neglect sends receipts”.  That idea had been gestating for me since April, when I attended a workshop on planning a healthy, active retirement.  The woman leading it opened with a stunner of a question, “When was the last time you felt taken care of?”   We had to write our answers on a piece of paper, which we balled up and tossed into the center of the room.  The responses to that question varied from “Months ago” to “It’s been years” to “Not since college”.  It was a humbling moment of realization for many of us. Self-neglect can be hard to define and difficult to detect, but I came to the understanding that day that self-neglect is the absence of feeling taken care of.

Self-neglect has always been a theme in my sessions with clients.  Some clients recognize it and understand fully what is going on, while others don’t even seem aware of the concept.  Recently, I have started asking the question about feeling taken care of in sessions, which is often the magic bullet into understanding self-neglect.  If we are not caring for ourselves, then how are we going to accept care from others?  How can someone else care for us if we don’t teach them how to do it? 

Sometimes, the receipts of self-neglect add up to all of the compromises and trade-offs that we have made, none of which are significant alone but can be substantial in their entirety.   A friend recently realized that he has not seen the two most recent seasons of his favorite show because his partner hates it and never wants to watch it.  He defaults to her taste because he loves her and wants her to be happy.  It’s a small sacrifice he makes to enjoy the limited time they have together, but he has started to resent that his tastes rarely take precedence.  The small concessions of letting her pick the restaurant, the movie, the TV show, the paint color for the kitchen, and the wine at the store have added up to a dynamic where his last birthday consisted of dinner at a steakhouse he doesn’t even like followed by a musical he had no interest in seeing.  It was a moment of clarity, but he couldn’t blame her for it, and he didn’t. 

Sometimes, the receipts of self-neglect come from the small acts we choose not to do for ourselves out of a misdirected feeling that something else is more important.  My trainer recently pointed out that I never take my rest breaks during our sessions, and I rush out before stretching.  I didn’t pay attention because I wanted to get home to my dog, my chores, and my admin work.  Two weeks later, I woke up with tendonitis in my left ankle.  I now stretch, take my rest breaks, and spend time in the recovery chair. I do admin work on my phone while enjoying the massage function.

The realization that we haven’t had our own back is never a pleasant one to make.  When we don’t feel taken care of, it’s often because we aren’t taking care of ourselves.  Sometimes, we just need to take our rest breaks and be comfortable with our partners seeing the movie we want to see.  Healthy joints and a great birthday are worthy receipts. 

Written by: Deanna Diamond, LPC